Yes it’s been a four day weekend but it’s gone very quickly and even another four day week seems too long on a cold Tuesday morning doesn’t it? While I work on final edits for my book this week I have been seeking light relief in the form of research for this week’s blog. And while I realise it’s not big or clever to mock other people’s ill advised wardrobe choices, if they have lots of money, a stylist and a lot of Instagram followers interested in those choices, then I kind of feel they’re fair game.
So here it is, my own little contribution for a less gloomy day. I should probably give a warning – some readers may find the following images distressing. No camels were hurt in the making of this blog.
First things first, I love a jumpsuit and own several. They are easy to wear, require even less thought than a dress and are appropriate for almost any occasion – usually I won’t hear anything bad said against them. However, there are limits. Mistakes have been made, mistakes so catastrophic I hardly know where to begin. So I might as well begin with Lindsay Lohan since she has been suspiciously quiet in recent months. I don’t think this jumpsuit would work on anyone by the way, the way the colours change at the thickest part of the thigh is just too unflattering. Lindsay looks happy enough, she’s never happier than without her bra I’ve noticed, but this is not a good look. Her body looks twice the length it is and her legs look like stumps, with no feet on the end. Disaster.
No jumpsuit blog would be complete without an entry from Kim Kardashian. Now please don’t think I’m being mean about her pregnant shape, I’m not, I just don’t think this particular garment is the best idea for advanced pregnancy. After all jumpsuits can be a problem for those of us without a small human being pressing down on our bladder. I look at this and immediately imagine Kim struggling to get back up off the loo with her stretchy jumpsuit around her ankles. You have that image stuck in your head too now don’t you? Sorry about that.
Props to Jennifer Lopez for having the nerve to wear head to ahem, toe skin tight metallic, but then confidence has never been in short supply on her block has it? I love the top half of this number, the colour is fab on her and it emphasises her toned shoulders. But really if you’re going to stretch shiny gold stuff like a second skin over your nether regions, you’re probably better off doing it in subdued lighting. That’s the trouble with shiny fabrics, you never quite know where the light is going to catch you but you can guarantee it won’t be your perfect cheekbones or your glossy blow dry.
I’m finishing with a double whammy and one I am still
reeling from the shock of. Gwyneth Paltrow has certainly had some funny ideas in her time, but none more so than the pale pink jumpsuit look of which she is clearly terribly fond. Most of us make a monstrous sartorial error and learn from it, Gwyneth decides to try it again – with added Lycra. Is she testing us I wonder? Will this turn out to be some sort of publicity stunt for her new vaginal steaming business? Just look at how uncomfortable the poor pregnant lady next to her is looking, this sort of thing shouldn’t be allowed out in
pubic public. It makes me feel deeply uncomfortable on all sorts of levels. Mummies shouldn’t be discussing the issue that is the camel toe in the school playground but there we were, discussing it with carefree abandon. It’s a dark day dear readers, a dark day.