I hold my hands up, even I have started to think about winter wardrobes. Well, with what appeared to be the missing rain from the whole of the last two months falling on one bank holiday Monday, it’s hard not to yearn for scarves and cardigans. This is not good news. We’re still in August for goodness sake and apart from anything else all my warmer clothes and shoes are stored at my mum’s and getting it back requires planning. I’m simply not ready to wave goodbye to the summer yet, it’s been such a good one and having just returned from a holiday in Spain, I don’t want to hide away my limbs when for once they are naturally bronzed. Besides, I have it on good authority that the warm weather will be back so reaching for the tights would be premature at this point (although I have to say I’ve been amazed by the number of London girls who never shed them in the first place, despite the prolonged heatwave).
So, I’m using this temporary blip in the August weather to do an edit of the summer trends. Which is another way of saying, with the benefit of hindsight, certain looks don’t work as well as they might have on the catwalk. There are plenty that have epitomised this fabulous summer we’ve had – full midi skirts with cropped tops, 50s starlet playsuits with platform sandals and sheer and eyelet panels on anything and everything – and these will undoubtedly filter through to the next season. But for every elegant lace dress there’s a pair of denim cut-offs with an inner pocket hanging below the hem and a muffin top hanging over it.
Here’s what I’m relegating to the historical clearance rail with the hope that if such trends should ever appear again I will be way too old to care.
1. If supermodel Natalia Vodianova can’t pull off this look then no-one can. There is nothing that works about this dress – the shape swamps her tiny frame, it’s too long, the fabric is heavy and middle-aged and it looks like she is wearing it back to front. Dolce and Gabbana (whom I love by the way) have continued this theme into Autumn 2014 but please don’t be tempted – you’ll end up looking like a ‘Where are They Now?’ picture of Heidi.
2. I was never going to buy into the footwear trend that is ‘the slide’ because to be frank, they look like part of a lifeguard’s uniform and the only way that is acceptable is if you are Pamela Anderson in the infamous red swimsuit. And only then on a beach. This item does not translate to London living, or any city for that matter. If you bought a pair then at least you can console yourself by using them as gardening shoes – my friend’s husband gave her a pair of genuine gardening shoes so hideous (think Crocs with the holes filled in) they make slides look like Cinderella slippers.
3. Clashing prints should be approached with caution and I’m beginning to think it simply shouldn’t be tried at home without professional supervision. J.Crew make it look easy (at a price) and some sylph-like celebrities and small children can make a stripe and a floral worn alongside each other look whimsical and charming – larger non-celebrities without the benefit of an expensive blow dry and a famous other half tend to look as if they got dressed in the dark. In a charity shop. In deepest Scandinavia. Just don’t.
4. Aqualandia in Benidorm is not the most stylish of places and only a fool would go expecting to see bodies clad artfully in designer swimwear when those bodies are there to be thrown down vertical drops and stuffed with rubbery crepes and ice-cream (not necessarily in that order). However, Pocahontas style bikinis? On a female older than six? No, I’m sorry, it’s not right – tassles hanging from an unsupported bust look wholly unflattering and remind me of those plastic strip curtains people had in the 70s.
5. I live near Clapham Common so I see a lot of festival revellers in the summer and festival revellers = Underbum. It would be alright if the miniscule shorts were confined to the skinny teenagers on the common but this summer the hottest of pants have been on every bottom of all ages, shapes and sizes and all over town. And they really shouldn’t be. Perhaps the sooner it’s tights season again, the better.